


Hey Say Jump and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the pun)

by alchemicink



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack Fic, Gen, Humor, Parody, random cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 04:16:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1290979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some days that make you ask the big questions: What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Why are we here? What is the mystery meat served in the cafeteria? Who took Yamada's yogurt? What's wrong with Inoo's hair? Where's Takaki? And where did all those cats come from?</p><p>On second thought, maybe it's better just to not ask questions at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hey Say Jump and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the pun)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is inspired by Judith Viorst's children's book and Stanley Kubrick's film. I own neither. And the plot has nothing to do with either of these things. I just like long titles. 
> 
> The standard disclaimer: This work is DEFINITELY not meant to be a completely accurate representation of the people I'm writing about. It's just for fun! I don't own any of Hikaru's puns. And credits for everything else are in the end notes.

Since the dawn of man, or at least since the dawn of calendars, Mondays have always been bad days. If something’s going to go wrong, it’ll be a Monday. That’s just the natural order of things. But every once and a while, something goes wrong with the universe and everything gets turned around and mixed up. 

Currently, it was Thursday. And it was raining.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fourth floor dance practice studio  
Time: 9:45am_

“Late, late, late, late, laaaaaaate,” Yuto said, as he ran through the hallway straight to the dance studio. Raindrops flew off of his arms as he dodged tiny Juniors like obstacles in a video game. JUMP was scheduled for an all-day dance practice and Yuto had definitely missed the first fifteen minutes of it. He finally reached his destination, a spacious room with mirror-lined walls, but tripped by the doorway and slid across the wooden floor. Soaked with rain water, he left a wet streak right down the middle of the floor. 

Everyone in the room turned to stare at Yuto’s not-so-subtle entrance. 

“I see you haven’t started practice yet,” Yuto observed from the floor. No one had changed into their practice clothes and the group was just standing around talking.

Yamada reached a hand out to help Yuto back up. Chinen found a towel to clean up the mess left behind. Yabu watched the whole thing with a mix of concern and amusement.

“Actually, you’re not the only one who’s late this morning,” Inoo said. He was leaning against one of the side mirrors. Yuto noticed that Inoo’s hair looked really odd this morning. Inoo had recently dyed his hair back to black after his brief stint as a blonde, but Yuto couldn’t quite figure out why Inoo’s hair didn’t quite look right today though. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. Something was off.

He was interrupted in his distracted thoughts by Keito speaking up. “So why were you late?”

Yuto sighed just thinking about it. “Bagels,” he said.

“Huh?”

“I really wanted bagels this morning,” Yuto said. He looked around the room and noticed that Daiki and Takaki were the other ones missing from the group. “A bagel would have been so delicious…” he sighed again with a wistful expression. He stared off into the distance, imagining a tasty bagel covered in cream cheese that had been just out of his reach.

“So what happened?” Yamada asked.

“Well I stopped to buy the bagels,” Yuto began, “and there was a really loooooong line. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I chatted with a nice old guy in line for a while before he passed out.” 

“What??” the group exclaimed at Yuto’s casual tone.

“Yeah, the ambulance came and took him away, but the paramedics said he’d be okay. Anemia or something,” Yuto explained, like he witnessed this sort of thing all the time.

The concerned/amused look on Yabu’s face was far less amused and much more concerned now.

“So anyway,” Yuto continued, “I was finally second in line, but the person in front of me had this really complicated order. It was so complicated that the cashier eventually just burst into tears because she couldn’t get it right. And then the manager came. There were lots of questions and yelling by everybody. And the baker in the back came out and angrily tossed some food around because he felt like he was being insulted. I watched the whole thing. The police came by. Arrested some people. Very exciting stuff. But when it was finally my turn, I realized that I had to leave.”

“Because you were late for practice?” Keito questioned.

“No,” Yuto answered with a frown. “I had to leave because I realized that Mr. Donut doesn’t sell bagels.”

A loud _smack_ echoed through the room and everyone turned to Yamada, who had apparently just slapped his forehead in exasperation. Inoo just stared in disbelief while Yabu and Hikaru burst out laughing. 

Before they could ask any more questions about Yuto’s really ridiculous morning, Daiki walked into the room. Or, more accurately, Daiki shuffled to the entrance and then leaned against the doorframe. He was wearing a mask over his nose and mouth and his eyes looked extremely tired. He made a sort of gurgling sigh as his head hit the side of the wood frame.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Daiki answered but the mask muffled his quiet voice.

“What was that?” Keito asked, leaning a bit closer so he could hear better.

Daiki pulled the mask down and repeated a little bit louder. “I _said_ I may or may not have the flu.”

The entire room instinctively took two steps back.

“But I haven’t thrown up since 3am so I think I’m getting better,” he added weakly.

“Why are you here? Go home!” Yabu demanded. “We don’t want your germs.”

“No, really,” Daiki insisted, “I’m getting better.” He coughed loudly. “I feel fine.” As he said this, he slid further to the floor until finally he was just sitting against the doorframe.

“Here lies poor old Daiki,” Yamada announced dramatically and tossed a towel over Daiki’s head. He then scurried to the other side of the room so he wouldn’t catch anything.

“I’m not dead yet!” Daiki protested. “And why is this towel wet?”

“You should go home and take some medicine,” Chinen suggested. 

“I know some good home remedies,” Inoo said off-handedly but he was a little distracted. He was busy trying to fix his hair. Each strand of hair was standing on end like it was full of static electricity. That was the odd thing Yuto had noticed when he’d gotten to the studio.

“You should never trust an acupuncturist,” Hikaru said suddenly. “They always _stab_ you in the back.” He then laughed like that was the funniest thing he’d ever said before. 

“…what?” Yuto was very, very confused.

“Hikaru’s in his punning phase,” Yabu explained with a sigh. “He’s been doing this all day.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana,” Hikaru added another pun, complete with the ridiculous over-the-top laughter.

“I’m going to find a hat or something,” Inoo announced as he gave up on his hair. He had stopped paying attention to the conversation a while ago. He took care not to step on Daiki as he left the room.

“Hey,” Yabu began, “where’s Takaki?”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, The entrance  
Time: 10:00am_

Takaki knew he was going to be late when he realized his car had a flat tire. He pulled over and changed it, but by then, he was already half an hour late to practice and half-soaked by the rain. No worries, he told himself. He could catch up on what he’d missed and change out of his wet clothes in the studio. 

When he got to the building though, the elevators by the entrance were completely full. NEWS was apparently doing some sort of impromptu photo shoot for who knows what and a small crowd of juniors had gathered around to watch. He certainly wasn’t going to interrupt that seeing as how Kyomoto Taiga was front and center in the junior group. Everybody knew not to mess with Taiga when he was fanboying Tegoshi. He was scary.

Takaki would have taken the stairs but he remembered the old service elevator in the back of the building. The only staff who usually used it was the marketing department whose office was located in a forgotten back corner of the tenth floor. There was an elderly lady who was already waiting for the elevator when he got there. Takaki recognized her as one of the ladies who answered the phone in the marketing department. She was carrying a large bag with her but he didn’t question it. He never questioned anything that happened at the jimusho. He had just witnessed a completely serious photo shoot in an elevator after all. 

They stood awkwardly side by side in the elevator when it started moving. Takaki had no idea what he would say to the lady anyway. 

All of a sudden, the elevator shuddered to a stop. Takaki looked over to the old lady who just sighed. She started rummaging around in the large bag she was holding.

“Um…” Takaki began, “so is the elevator going to start moving again?”

“Oh no,” the little old lady said, “once it stops, we’re stuck until someone comes to get us out. Don’t worry though, dear. This happens about once a week. It should only take a few hours.” She pulled out a roll of yarn and some knitting needles and settled down on the floor. “After the first couple of times, I started bringing my knitting so I’d have something to do.”

Takaki just stared at her, not believing his bad luck. He checked his phone but it had no service. Apparently he wasn’t going to get to dance practice any time soon. He hoped they weren’t learning any new complicated dances without him.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fourth floor dance practice studio  
Time: 10:30am_

JUMP was most certainly not learning any new complicated dances at the moment. In fact, they still hadn’t even changed into practice clothes or bothered to turn on the music. The group (minus Daiki who had crawled to a corner to sleep) was currently gathered around Yabu and his phone trying to teach him how to download some fancy new app. 

“If you’d stop pushing buttons, it’d work right,” Keito insisted, pointing to something on the tiny screen.

“This whole thing looks sketchy,” Yabu said, shielding his phone away from everyone’s prying fingers. “I don’t think it’s legit.”

“No, it’s totally fun,” Chinen insisted while also reaching for the phone. “Let me do it.”

“Nobody is touching my phone again,” Yabu said. “I keep getting annoying text messages from the last app you guys put on my phone.” He got frustrated with the crowd of people and cradled his phone against his chest so no one else could try to mess with it. Suddenly it beeped loudly, startling everyone. Yabu tentatively pulled the phone away to look at what had happened and saw that his screen had frozen up and there were some odd-looking lines and dots all over it. 

“What the heck?” he exclaimed.

“We can’t help you with that,” Yamada said, and everyone backed away so they couldn’t take responsibility for breaking Yabu’s phone. 

“You should take it to the tech people to fix it,” Yuto suggested.

“The tech people in the marketing department?” Yabu scoffed. “No way! Half those old ladies don’t even know how to turn on a computer. And they think Youtube is just a name for a fancy ladies’ summer tank top.”

“That explains so much,” Chinen muttered as an aside to himself.

“I’m going to see if I can find a helpful sempai,” Yabu said and left the room. 

Yamada shrugged. “Oh well. I’m going to the break room for a bit, guys. Be back soon.” Keito followed Yamada out the door with an “I’ll go with you.”

Now the only ones left in the dance studio room were Yuto, Chinen, Hikaru, and a sleeping Daiki. 

“Do you think we should do something about Daiki?” Chinen asked. He looked wary about getting closer though. Of course, no one wanted the flu.

“Sure,” Hikaru said and without another word, he pulled out some duct tape. Yuto and Chinen watched him as he placed the tape on the floor, making a wide square around Daiki. After that was done, he scribbled the word _quarantine_ onto a piece of paper and taped that to the floor too. 

“Daiki’s so good at sleeping, he can do it with his eyes closed,” Hikaru said with a toothy grin. 

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Sixth floor hallway  
Time: 10:45am_

Inoo had his hands pressed against the sides of his head in an attempt to keep his hair from sticking straight up. He had no idea why he was having a particularly bad hair day. All he knew was that he needed a hat to cover this monstrosity up. And fast. 

He continued walking down the hallway with his hands still on his head, making him look as exasperated as he felt. He’d tried to get into the costume room to steal a hat but found that it had been locked. That room was _never_ locked. 

Currently, he was searching for the key and doing his best _Mission Impossible_ impression at the same time because he didn’t want anyone to see his hair. He froze for a second as he thought he heard someone coming, and then he did a barrel roll to hide behind a large potted plant (which was actually impressive considering that he hadn’t even removed his hands from his head.)

When he finally decided that the coast was clear, Inoo darted back out and took off again down the hall. He slowed down as he passed the open door to Kis-my-ft2’s dressing room. Thankfully, the room was empty and he could continue on—wait a minute, what was that? Inoo backed up and saw that there were a bunch of cats laying around on the couches in their dressing room.

Inoo opened his mouth to question this sight out loud, but then thought better of it. Stranger things had happened at the agency. It was probably for the best not to ask.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fourth floor break room  
Time: 11:15am_

“I have yogurt,” Yamada announced suddenly, almost startling Keito out of the chair he was sitting in. The two of them had been sitting in a comfortable silence during a break in their conversation.

“Good for you?”

“I’m hungry,” Yamada said, “and I put some yogurt in the break room fridge a few days ago. Do you want some?”

“No thanks,” Keito responded politely.

Yamada opened the little refrigerator door, and stared into the contents of the fridge for a moment. Then he closed the door and reopened it again as if that would change what was inside. 

“A terrible crime has just been committed,” Yamada said dramatically.

“Your yogurt is gone?” Keito guessed under his breath.

“My yogurt is gone!” Yamada exclaimed.

“We can always just go get something from the vending machine,” Keito suggested, watching now as Yamada began removing things from the fridge and inspecting them. 

“But I really wanted my yogurt,” Yamada pouted. “It was the fancy Greek kind with the strawberries.” 

“Well I guess you can just play detective and find out where it went,” Keito said jokingly. (which he soon found out was a mistake to do)

“Yes that’s right!” Yamada said with entirely too much enthusiasm. “I’ve played a detective on TV several times. I should be able to track down this terrible criminal.”

“Would you like me to punch you in the face?” Keito said dryly, thinking about Yamada’s character in _Hidarime Tantei Eye_ who couldn’t solve mysteries unless someone punched him.

“I can be Sherlock Holmes,” Yamada said, completely ignoring Keito’s comment. He’d already pulled out a notepad of paper from somewhere and was scribbling down notes. “You can be my Watson.” Now Yamada had pulled out a random magnifying glass and Keito wasn’t even going to think about where that had possibly come from. 

“Now which Watson do you want to be?” Yamada asked. “Your current choices are Martin Freeman, Jude Law, or Lucy Lui.” 

“I don’t have a preference,” Keito said, half-ignoring Yamada’s rambling anyway. He was busy putting the food Yamada had pulled out back in the fridge. He had no idea who’d stashed a whole block of cheese in there, but it probably wouldn’t be good if it was left sitting out for a while. 

“Lucy Lui it is then,” Yamada declared. “I’m going to be Robert Downey Jr, of course.”

“Hey!” Keito protested but Yamada was already walking out the door.

“My first suspects are Kanjani8,” Yamada said while making some notes in his notepad.

That seemed like a really random guess to Keito. “Why’s that?”

“Because Kansai people are kinda shady,” Yamada explained as if that was supposed to make any sense. 

Keito rolled his eyes. “You know technically Takaki is from Osaka, right?”

“Where _is_ Takaki anyway?”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Old service elevator  
Time: 11:15am_

“Oh, I think I’m getting the hang of it!” Takaki exclaimed as he slowly moved the knitting needles back and forth. “Knit one, purl two,” he repeated to himself. 

“That’s exactly right,” the old lady said, nodding at the look of concentration on his face. “I’m glad I brought my extra knitting needles with me today.”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Cafeteria  
Time: 12:00pm_

Hikaru had wandered off earlier to find Yabu, so Yuto and Chinen decided to brave the cafeteria for lunch. Usually most everyone in the agency avoided the catered food provided to them because it was really gross, but the rainstorm outside had intensified and no one wanted to trek out to a restaurant in that.

Yuto and Chinen picked a nice table in the middle of the crowded room and sat down. Neither one of them moved to eat the food on their plate yet though. It was some mushy unidentifiable meat along with some stringy, soupy-looking side dish that _might have been_ some sort of vegetable. Like maybe in a past life.

“I wish I’d packed a bento today,” Chinen said.

“I wish I’d gotten my bagels this morning,” Yuto added. He poked gently at the mush with a fork. “Do you think we should get some soup to bring back for Daiki?”

Chinen grimaced. “I’m pretty sure anything from the cafeteria would probably kill him.”

Yuto continued poking at his food while Chinen just stared warily at his own. After a few moments, he gasped. 

“What was that?” Yuto said, looking up mid-poke.

“It moved,” Chinen said quietly, looking extremely disturbed. 

“What was that?” Yuto repeated again, not quite catching what he’d said.

“ _I said it moved_ ,” Chinen hissed in a whisper while looking horrified. “ _The food._ ” He was afraid to talk louder just in case it was actually alive.

Yuto looked freaked out and suddenly tossed his plate of food over his shoulder. It landed on top of Nakajima’s Kento’s head. He automatically shrieked at his new unexpected head covering, and Kikuchi Fuma, who had been sitting next to him, got so angry he tossed the contents of his own plate in the general direction of the original flying plate. Yuto and Chinen ducked underneath their table just in time for the mushy food to sail past them and land on Kat-tun’s Ueda Tatsuya. 

And that was when all hell broke loose.

Chinen and Yuto stayed huddled under the table (Yuto was having a bit more trouble than Chinen because of his height. “Jealous?” Chinen had smirked) as they listened to the ensuing food fight and watched the ankles of various people run by.

“Maybe I should go help out,” Chinen said, as he peeked through the chair legs. “I think I could take on Ueda-sempai.”

Yuto shook his head until he accidentally knocked it against the table support. “Ueda-sempai is scary. He’s a boxer, you know.” 

“Ohno-kun would definitely back me up,” Chinen claimed with pride. 

“Arashi isn’t even here today,” Yuto pointed out. “They’re off filming one of their millions of variety shows.”

“It’s not millions,” Chinen said, slightly offended. A bit of mushy maybe-vegetable splattered on the floor in front of their table and they both scooted back a little and watched it with suspicion. “Arashi only has two variety shows right now. _Arashi ni Shiyagare_ and _VS Arashi_. Oh, unless you are counting their individual projects, in which case…”

Yuto placed a hand on Chinen’s shoulder before he could begin listing the names of all of the TV shows Arashi members were currently making appearances on. “I say this because I care about you, Chinen,” he began seriously, “please seek help for your Arashi addiction.”

“You _cannot_ seriously be conducting an intervention for me while we are trapped under a cafeteria table.”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Second floor bathroom  
Time: 1:15pm_

Hikaru had somehow managed to find Yabu roaming the halls while searching for someone who could help fix his phone. But after an unfortunate incident involving an accidentally shaken soda can, they stopped into the closest bathroom to wash their hands. 

“I _told_ you,” Yabu was saying as they walked in, “you have to wait to open the can if you drop it on the floor.” 

“Writing with a broken pencil is…” Hikaru said, and then paused dramatically for the final part of the joke, “…pointless.” 

“Was that supposed to be some sort of deep metaphor combined with a pun?” Yabu asked. 

Hikaru just turned on the water and washed his hands in smug silence. 

At that moment, the door to the bathroom slammed open and Inoo rushed in. His hands were still attached to the sides of his head, but there were a few stray strands of hair poking through his fingers. 

“Oh it’s just you guys,” he said with a sigh of relief. 

“What’s going on?” Yabu asked. 

Inoo checked under the doors of the bathroom stalls to make sure no one else was there before answering. “I saw ABC-Z from a distance and this was the closest place to duck in to.”

“Your hair doesn’t look _that_ bad, you know.”

Inoo removed his hands and his hair popped straight up. 

“Okay, wow, you’re right. Gosh, that is weird,” Yabu said. Hikaru just nodded in awe.

Inoo frowned and put his hands back in place. “So what have you two been doing?”

Yabu pulled his phone out. “Looking for someone who can fix my phone.” The screen was now sporting a lovely plaid pattern. “We ran into Yamapi but all he did was shake my phone a few times and make some faces at it. On the bright side, he laughed a lot at Hikaru’s pun.” 

“What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?” Hikaru repeated for Inoo but didn’t wait for an answer. “Sneakers!” He clapped his hands as he laughed loudly like he was filming a variety show.

Inoo rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m going to continue in my mission to find a hat,” he said. “Good luck with the phone problem.” He wiggled his elbow as a wave since he couldn’t remove his hands from his head.

Before Inoo could leave though, Hikaru put his hand on the door so he couldn’t leave. He had a really devious grin on his face. 

“Hikaru’s apparently got a pun for you before you leave,” Yabu explained. 

“When is a door not a door?” Hikaru said. He looked really pleased, as if he couldn’t wait to tell the rest of the joke. 

“I have no idea,” Inoo said in a deadpan voice.

“When it’s _ajar_ ,” Hikaru said and held out a glass jar as a physical representation of the joke. 

“Have you been carrying that around all day just so you can make that joke?” Inoo asked.

Hikaru avoided making eye contact. 

“By the way,” Yabu interrupted, “has anyone seen Takaki?”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Old service elevator  
Time: 2:00pm_

“You have to make sure to go on a Wednesday though because that’s when they have the half-price discount,” Takaki explained to the old lady. The sound of their knitting needles clicking together echoed in the old elevator.

“There’s nothing better than a good bargain when you’re shopping,” the old lady said with a laugh. 

“Oh, and there’s also a little store over in Ueno…” Takaki continued.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Third floor, Tackey and Tsubasa’s dressing room  
Time: 2:30pm_

“And where were you during the hours of 8:30 and midnight on July fifteen of last year?” Yamada asked both Tackey and Tsubasa who were seated patiently on the couch. Yamada was pacing back and forth, swinging his magnifying glass around. 

“I think I might have been in Spain,” Tsubasa answered, seriously trying to remember. He turned to Tackey. “Was I in Spain?”

“I think so,” Tackey agreed.

Keito, who had been waiting over in the corner, cleared his throat. “ Um… what does any of this have to do with your missing yogurt?”

“I’m establishing backstory and motive,” Yamada explained. 

“That stuff only happens in dramas,” Keito pointed out. 

“Oh are you filming another drama, Yamada-kun?” Tackey asked. “Congratulations! Do your best!” 

“He’s really just trying to figure out who took his yogurt from the break room fridge,” Keito said.

“Well it wasn’t us,” Tackey explained. “I don’t like yogurt. Hey, Tsubasa, do you like yogurt?”

“Not particularly,” Tsubasa answered.

“Not even the Greek kind with the strawberries?” Yamada asked in disbelief.

“I didn’t even know they made that,” Tsubasa said. “Did you know they made that?” he asked Tackey, who just shook his head.

Keito patted Yamada on the shoulder. “I think we can cross them off the list.” 

“Thanks for your cooperation,” Yamada said to Tackey and Tsubasa. “Now onto the next suspects: Kinki Kids.”

“I don’t think questioning them would be a good idea,” Keito said. He was beginning to worry that Yamada was going to harass every single important sempai in the agency in the quest for his missing yogurt. 

The two of them turned to walk back out into the hallway, but stopped as a herd of cats suddenly ran by. Yamada and Keito leaned their heads out the doorway and watched the pack of felines take a left turn and disappear down another hallway.

“I think we have another mystery on our hands,” Yamada said, pulling his magnifying glass back out. He leaned down to examine the floor.

“Let’s not,” Keito said. “Please. I don’t want to know.”

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Outside the cafeteria  
Time: 2:15pm_

Yuto and Chinen had managed to escape the chaos in the cafeteria during a moment of distraction when Yokoyama of Kanjani8 had entered the scene in his Eito Ranger uniform in an attempt to restore order to the room. Of course, Yoko being Yoko, he couldn’t resist causing his own problems. Yuto and Chinen sprinted out of the room as Yokoyama began tossing pudding at some of the members of Tokio who had been unfortunate enough to be at the agency today. 

“Thank goodness we finally escaped,” Chinen said. Yuto nodded, just trying to catch his breath from the adrenaline rush.

Just then, the mysterious group of cats ran by their feet and continued down the hallway and out of sight.

“Do you think, perhaps, that the food has given us some sort of hallucination?” Yuto asked. 

“That seems like the only reasonable explanation,” Chinen agreed.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fourth floor dance practice studio  
Time: 2:30pm_

Daiki had woken up from his nap still feeling as terrible as ever. He noticed the tape square surrounding him and ignored it as he shuffled towards the nearest bathroom. The nausea was coming back again.

Halfway across the room though, he paused as he heard something coming. He watched as not one or two but a whole gang of cats ran past the doorway. 

“Well that was odd,” Daiki said and then continued his journey to the toilet.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fifth floor break room  
Time: 2:45pm_

Yabu and Hikaru had basically given up on their search to find someone to fix Yabu’s phone (which now had a rainbow-decorated screen) and so they were just hanging out in the break room because they didn’t really want to go back to the dance practice room. 

Without any warning though, a whole swarm of cats started streaming into the room and climbing on top of everything. Hikaru, who absolutely hated cats, automatically leaped up to the top of the couch he’d been sitting on. He looked around for a way of escape. Or at the very least, a way to climb further up the wall.

Yabu watched the entire scene with confusion as the cats settled down on all the furniture. 

“You know what this is?” Yabu finally said. Hikaru glanced at Yabu before returned his eyes to a particularly evil-looking tabby cat. “I think this is a _cat_ -tastrophe.” Yabu laughed. “Get it?”

Hikaru was not amused.

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Outside the costume room  
Time: 3:30pm_

Eventually everyone (minus trapped Takaki and Daiki who was now sleeping in the bathroom) had regrouped in the dance studio. They’d given up on fixing Yabu’s phone and finding Yamada’s missing yogurt or even figuring out where all the cats had come from, but they eventually decided that breaking into the costume room to find a hat for Inoo would be fun. 

Chinen had gathered up a variety of tools to break open the door and was currently pulling them out of his bag and handing them to everyone. 

“Wrench,” he said, handing the object to Yuto.

“Rope.” He handed that one to Keito, who looked deeply concerned about all this.

He was about to give a candlestick to Yamada but then noticed that he was already holding his magnifying glass.

“Um… use both,” Chinen said to Yamada.

“You can kill vegetarian vampires with a _steak_ to the heart,” Hikaru said to add in the only weapons-related pun he knew even though no one was listening to his jokes by this point.

“You can have the revolver,” Chinen said while pulling a gun out of his bag. He handed it to Hikaru who, in turn, looked absolutely giddy.

“Wait a minute,” Keito protested. “Is that even legal?”

“It’s plastic,” Chinen said and then moved on to the next item. 

“Knife,” he said and gave a shiny-looking kitchen knife to Inoo. Well, he put it between Inoo’s teeth since the older boy refused to remove his hands from his head. 

“I’ll take the lead pipe,” Chinen concluded, “and Yabu can have this flamethrower.”

“Flamethrower?!” Keito exclaimed.

“It’s actually just a welding torch,” Yuto pointed out.

“Where did you even get all this stuff?” 

“You wouldn’t believe what you can find just lying around V6’s dressing room,” Chinen said. Everyone decided right then it was best just to not ask any more questions.

“All right guys, let’s get to work,” Yamada said before adding, “and by _work_ I actually mean, we just watch while Yabu melts the lock.” 

They all gathered around Yabu (except for Keito who was too busy tying his rope into a noose just in case he needed to avoid further shame). The flame brushed against the door lock, and the group cheered it on. And they kept cheering right up until the fire alarm went off and the emergency sprinklers in the ceiling turned on. 

“Oops,” Yabu simply remarked. 

“It was Yabu in the hallway with the flamethrower,” Yuto said dramatically as they all stood frozen in shock, while the sprinklers soaked them and, presumably, everyone one else in the building.

“What do you call dangerous precipitation?” Hikaru asked. “A _rain_ of terror.” 

“Alright guys,” Chinen said, “toss the stuff and RUN.”

They all sprinted off away from the scene of the crime. “It’s too bad Takaki’s missing all this fun,” Yamada said while trying not to slip on the wet floor. 

“Where _is_ Takaki, anyway?” Yabu asked for what seemed like the millionth time that day. 

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Old service elevator  
Time: 3:45pm_

“I think my ears are ringing,” the nice old lady paused in her knitting to listen closer. “Do you hear something?”

Takaki stopped his work on the fancy pattern he was knitting to listen. “I think it’s the fire alarm.”

“Oh again?” the lady observed. “Well, the firefighters should be here soon to let us out.” 

“That’s good,” Takaki said. “I think we are running out of yarn.”

Sure enough, it wasn’t very long before the elevator doors were pried open by firefighters and Takaki and the old lady escaped to freedom. Takaki scooped up the stuff he’d been knitting all day and said goodbye to the lady as they went their separate ways. 

“Don’t forget our knitting group meeting on Tuesday at seven o’clock,” she said with a friendly wave goodbye. 

“I’ll be there!” Takaki said happily. 

 

_Location: Johnny’s Jimusho Building, Fourth floor dance practice studio  
Time: 4:00pm_

JUMP was gathered around Yabu and his phone again when Takaki entered the room carrying a large bundle of wooly yarn. Everyone turned to look at his unexpected entrance.

“Where have you been?” Chinen asked.

“Trapped in the old service elevator in the back of the building,” Takaki answered like this was really no big deal. 

Hikaru grinned and everyone knew what was coming next. “I usually take _steps_ to avoid elevators,” he said. 

“Also, I learned to knit and I made you all hats,” Takaki said and held his bundle of hats out for them.

“You’re my favorite!” Inoo exclaimed and quickly snatched a lumpy woolen hat out of his hands before pulling it over his head. 

“So what dance stuff did I miss while I was gone?” Takaki asked, looking around the room. He did a double-take at Daiki who had gone back to sleeping in his tape square on the floor, but someone had replaced the _quarantine_ sign with one that read _RIP Dai-chan_. 

“Actually we haven’t practiced at all today,” Yuto explained. “It’s been a crazy day.” 

“Oh,” Takaki said, “well in that case, why are we still here? Let’s just go home.”

“Best idea I’ve heard all day,” Keito said. 

They all turned to look at sleeping Daiki. “I suppose we should bring out the dead too,” Yabu said.

“I’m not dead yet,” Daiki muttered weakly through his mask. “I’m getting better. I feel happy.”

Chinen rolled a handcart over to the quarantine box so that they’d have something to transport Daiki out of the room without having to touch him.

“Where’d you get that handcart from?” Inoo asked.

“You’d be amazed at the things SMAP leaves just lying around in their dressing room,” Chinen answered.

Yamada stopped and contemplated that comment a moment. “Hey Chinen, did _you_ steal my yogurt?”

“What yogurt?”

“Nevermind,” Keito said. “Let’s just go home and think about the fact that tomorrow is Friday.”

“Tomorrow is another day,” Yuto said. “Anything will be better than today.”

“Actually my day wasn’t all that bad,” Takaki pointed out.

The group made their way to the door to leave, but Hikaru couldn’t resist one last pun.

“You want to hear a pizza joke?” he asked.

“No,” they said in unison.

“Nevermind, it’s pretty _cheesy_ anyway.”

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> Credits for the bits of pop culture I snuck in throughout the story:  
> Daiki's insistance that he's "not dead yet" is a bit from the beginning of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
> 
> Yamada has played a detective on four different dramas: Tantei Gakuen Q, Furuhata Chugakusei, Hidarime Tantei Eye, and Kindaichi Shounen no Jikenbo.
> 
> People who have played Watson for a Sherlock Holmes adaptation: Martin Freeman in BBC's Sherlock, Jude Law in Guy Ritchie's film, and Lucy Lui in CBS's Elementary. Robert Downey Jr. plays Sherlock in the Guy Ritchie film.
> 
> The "when is a door not a door?" pun comes from MTV's show Teen Wolf. 
> 
> Not counting the "flamethrower," all the weapons used to break into the costume room are from the board game Clue. I'll leave you guys to guess why V6 had them in their dressing room... (maybe that's a fic for another day)
> 
> Comments are totally welcome!


End file.
